Dr. Bionca W. Shy
As I ponder on that very statement, I was persuaded to take a deep soul dive back to two moments in my life where I actually did! Yeah, it's true! Sometimes you can be dead alive! However, just to be clear, these experiences seem somewhat distinctively remote to me as of now but I felt obliged to share my piece of the struggle because so many are dealing with death on a daily basis.
Life can take you on a journey flooded with highs, lows, dips, twists, turns, stalls and all of the above. For every experience, it may seem like a piece of you withers away as we are forced to adjust to the changes life brings. Nonetheless, each change opens up new doors to learn more about what's really inside of you. You know what, let me reflect on these personal deaths for a moment.
October 16th 2008 was a day I will never forget. I had walked out of a Pharmacy Management class. Excited about the passing results of a challenging exam, I was suddenly hit with a profound urge to immediately depart the campus. My celebration about the test wasn't the reason however! It was more of my inner guide telling me I had to leave for a major reason...it was someone I had to see! That seemed to be cool to skip a few classes but the point was I didn't know where I needed to go or who I needed to see. I just jumped in my car and drove aimlessly! I had to go! But where? To see who?
At the end of the day, it was my dad I needed to see! I literally drove directly into his walking path. It was random but it felt like a scene of Déjà vu. My dad leaned over the front passenger side window of my car and said "Baby girl, I love you. I'll see you soon down by grandma's in a minute ..." We talked but it felt unusual, almost like a farewell talk and believe it or not...Good bye it was! I never knew that would be the last time I would see and speak to my dad.
The details surrounding my father's death remains somewhat of a mystery. However, that morning I received the news from my mother that he had tragically died a little after midnight October 17th literally nine hours after we had spoke face to face. My entire life crumbled in two seconds. I was a "Daddy's Girl" and the man that help bring me into this world had suddenly vanished forever. I was 22 years old and at the cusp of my career and had completely died internally! I couldn't pick up a fork, focus in class, I was a damn zombie if you asked me and that moment spanned for nearly 3 years but God oh my God! I'll tell you about what I learned about HIS goodness after I mention the next instance.
It was 4:44am on August 20, 2018. I woke up after tossing and turning all night about a major decision I had been battling with for nearly two years. I knew that day was the day I had no other choice but to face. I had been separated from my estranged husband of seven years for little under two years. The state of my vows were before me on one end and the pain and suffering I had felt in those years on another. I had been thinking about this day for nearly two years and I had never wanted to meet it. I wanted to reconcile...I was diehard about this wanting to stay but everything in my world was speaking a different language. After sitting in the dark for close to three hours drowning in "What Ifs", I came to the conclusion that I had to move forward with my life! I didn't understand or comprehend why but I knew God had to have a plan for me and my kids! I had done everything I felt and when I wanted to take the wheel to control my outcomes, it was like something invisible was snatching it from me and turning toward a new direction. It was if there was some type of command on my life that was out of my hands and at that point I was settled with it.
Being separated and divorced was the second death in my life. I had found out that I wasn't who I really thought I was. I use to be so concerned about what "They" thought, the stigmas behind the "Big D" and how I would make it without said person, most of all my kids! I had come to find out that there was a girl inside me who felt the world needed to roll smoothly the way I had imagined it but in fact that girl had died again and all the misconceptions and preconceived notions about my reality had vanished! I had once thought I was fully self-aware but that experience put me in tune with who I was becoming...who I was always made to be.
The intricate details of my journey will never be fully explained. I'm walking with nothing but bold faith...that's all I live with now along with the love of my kids and family...God (thank God for his love)! I can only convey so much of my story here from my prospective because you'll never see nor experience it exactly how I did. You really might not be able to relate whatsoever! Nonetheless, I'm grateful that one part of me never expired...My heart! I learned to love better! Throwing away what I thought was the way to love and care became null and void! The love that really matters doesn't possess, grow jealous or live with insecurity! The freedom that love brings in this regard is refreshing. I give 100% glory to God. He shielded me and walked with me through some of the darkest hours! I had to figure a lot of things out on my own through pain and death. I think those two experiences took the old me out for a cause. I had to grow and I did (I still am). Now don't get me wrong, it's taken me years to adjust but I think I've finally figured out the mystery:
"Although we will experience a thousand deaths in our lifetime, it's LOVE that will never fail...simply because it never dies" -Dr. Bionca W Shy
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